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“COVER: The beast on this month’s cover, which was last seen slouching towards Bethlehem, Pa., to be bored, comes from the pen (solid steel with four-foot-thick concrete walls) of Gahan Wilson, who says that it answers to the name Zlaggo the Terrible and asks that anyone finding it please feed it two hundred yards of elevated trackage and six high tension pylons a day and send him a note, c/o Bunker “C,” Survival Station Alpha, Murchison Atoll, Marianas.”

Contents

Editorial, By Henry Beard
Some supposed recent B-science fiction movies with “unbelievable” plots

Letters, Uncredited; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson

Mrs. Agnew’s Diary, Uncredited (Doug Kenny); Illustration by Marvin Mattleson
John Connally stops by to let Spiggy in on the administration’s economic plans, lets slip an innuendo concerning Spiggy and his new secretary, leading Judy to entertain thoughts of marital infidelity

The Unforgiving Minute, By Paul Krassner
Meandering commentary on Chet Huntley, insect warfare and politics, what to do about those nasty Disney parodies, cigarette ads in NatLamp, and a sanctioned plug for The Realist and other Krassner enterprises

News of the Month, Uncredited
Marxist-Leninist explanations of some recent events on the American scene such as the Pentagon Papers; Troy Donahue’s portrayal of Charles Manson generates speculation on who might similarly play other noteworthy persons; What the U.S. could learn from the South Vietnamese electoral process; Some examples of what TV ads might be like after new FTC rules enforcing truthfulness take effect

The Adventures of Cynthia Goodhead, By Jon Surgal
Cynthia writes Bob Dylan for advice on how she can get an orgasm

The Science Fiction Horror Movie Pocket Computer, By Gahan Wilson
A flowchart enabling one to describe the plot of virtually any science fiction horror movie

“You’ve Got to Believe Me!”, By Tom Leopold and Christopher Guest; Illustration by Don Ivan Punchatz
A short story—supposedly true—about a refrigerator repairman abducted by aliens who, mistaking him for a nuclear physicist with a similar name, attempt to force him to reveal his secret plans for a death ray

The Disrespectful Summons, By Edward Gorey
An delightfully absurd picture story about a woman who is corrupted by the Devil

Dr. Jekyll’s Surgical Supply Catalogue, By Doug Kenney
A 19th century supply catalog for mad scientists

Up Against the Wall, Forefathers!, By Ea G. le Gousse [probably a pseudonym—MS]; Drawings by Burt Silverman
The proceedings of the Salem witch trials if William Kunstler had been the attorney for the defense 

Foto Funnies, Uncredited [features Michel Choquette, I think—MS]
A young man resists the temptations of the flesh

The Mammal That Suckled Its Young, By Roger Corman and C.B. Griffith [not likely–MS]; Illustration by Gray Morrow
Movie treatment parody about a man who becomes a were-dog during a full moon

Dragula, By Tony Hendra; Illustrated by Neal Adams, Cover by Frank Frazetta
A horror comic parody about a gay vampire who turns those he bites into flaming homosexuals

Sick Jokes of the Seventies, By Christopher Rush; Cartoons by Medoff
Hackneyed jokes updated to reflect current events

Creepy Cut-Outs, Text uncredited; Illustrations by Betty Fraser and Richard Bennett
Japanese pagoda for playing Godzilla; a page from the Bible with a large black spot on it; a medical alert card warning of hepatitis—in both English and Romanian; a blank mad scientist’s degree from the University of Wittenberg; David Frost voodoo doll kit—including a fan letter requesting a lock of hair

Foto Funnies, Uncredited [features Michael O’Donoghue]
Summary: A man tries to interest a young woman in various intellectual pursuits; failing that, he gives up and makes a flat sexual proposition, to which she replies, “Animal! Is that all you ever think about?”

The Most Sensational Traffic Jam Since Hiroshima, and Other Pranks, By Gene Kearney; Illustrations by Michael Gross
Memoirs of a college prankster in the 21st century

“What Marks on the Neck?”, By Michael O’Donoghue
“The Ultimate Horror Movie”—a series of old photos with captions depicting generic scenes from gothic horror movies

The Orchid, By Sean Kelly; Illustration by John Glashan
A parody of “The Raven” about a greenhouse worker with a guilty conscience terrorized by a vengeful plant

Witchcraft and the Black Arts, By John Weidman; Illustrations uncredited
A collection of “spells” and “incantations” for modern times (example: summoning a rainstorm by preparing a picnic)

The Incredible Shrinking Magazine, By Michael O’Donoghue; Illustration by Roger Hane
A first person account of how the members of the staff of Esquire magazine try valiantly to put out a magazine while becoming smaller and smaller and eventually vanish from sight

Phantom of the Rock Opera, By Sean Kelly and Michel Choquette; Collage by Cloud Studio
A parody of “Phantom of the Opera” in which the “true story” of the closing of the Fillmore East is revealed