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“COVER: A neurosis by any other name would smell as sweet, and no other graphic artist can match Gahan Wilson in the sniffing and scratching out of the unspeakable. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t following you….”

Contents

Editorial, By Doug Kenney

A warning to beware of killer attack dogs lurking in cities across America

Letters, From the Editors

Horrorscope, Uncredited [Doug Kenney]; Illustration by Gail Burwen
Celebrities’ futures predicted by means of tea leaves

Reading Matter, Cartoons by Stan Mack

Mrs. Agnew’s Diary, Uncredited [Doug Kenney]
Judy, Pat, and Trish throw a party for poor children, assisted by White House press secretary Ron Zeigler (party favors) and House majority leader Dan Moynihan, who dresses up as a clown using a costume made from a White House guard’s uniform

My Heart’s in the Highlands, By Robert Lasson & David Eynon; Illustration by Dennis Hermanson
A liver-transplant recipient tries to get a passport only to learn, among other things, that there is an extradition order against the liver by the Federal Republic of Germany

Confessions of an Insurance Man, By Christopher Rush
A personal account about getting into the lucrative business of selling dispair and fear

Paranoia Section Introduction, Uncredited; Illustration by Dennis Hermanson

America the Second-Rate, By Doug Kenney; Illustrations by Frank Mell, Peter Bramley, David Prestone, & Charles E. White III; Photography by Tom Orlovsky
What if, as Nixon feared, in the wake of a defeat in Vietnam, America became a second-rate power? Examples of Uncle Sam’s new image, including monuments to notables such as Wendell Wilke and Harold Stassen; postage stamps commemorating the Bay of Pigs and Apollo 13; Merv Griffin on a one dollar bill; an ad for the U.S. Army featuring the slogan, “We Try Harder”; etc.

Kiss Off, Cruel World, By Henry Beard
Tips and advice on writing a suicide note

The Secret of San Clemente, By J. Albano & Joe Orlando
Nixon’s cronies create a hideous parody of Lady Liberty. Done in the style of a Tales from the Crypt comic book

This Is the Way the World Ends, By Nicholas Fish [Henry Beard]; Illustrations by Picha
A collection of paranoid speculations on how the world could end

The World: A Paranoid Projection, By Michel Choquette & Sean Kelly; Illustrated by P. Ekman
A map of the world listing and displaying potential trouble areas from every conceivable point of view. Done in the style of an informational diagram

The Danger Signs of Cancer, By Michael O’Donoghue; Photography by Tom Dimond

The Daily Roach-Holder, By Michael O’Donoghue; Photography by Bob Bailey
Newspaper for underground radicals promoting politcal revolution through sex and drugs

Paranoia by Picha, Cartoons by Picha

Is Nixon Dead?, By Don Pierce; Photography by UPI
A photo essay presenting compelling evidence that the man in the White House is not Nixon

The Guilt Test, By Michel Choquette & Sean Kelly
An official-looking self-administered psychological test to determine the level of guilt you feel with regard to sex, race, class, religion, politics, etc.

481, By Tony Hendra
An essay on “length” which is not what it seems

The Shooting Gallery, By Rick Meyerowitz
Caricature of Gamal Nasser

Disquieting Thoughts, By Michael O’Donoghue; Illustrated by Peter Bramley
A collection of speculations concerning everyday things intended to inspire fear and paranoia

The Secret File of George Lathrop, By John Weidman
Various incriminating or embarassing documents kept by the phone company, schools, the Selective Service Board, insurance companies, etc. on ordinary people–in this case a stock broker named George Lathrop

The Day Saturn Crashed into the Earth, By Crad Kilodney; Illustration by Bill Skurski
Parody of a ’50s B science fiction movie in which the two protagonists—a hansome young astronomer and his lovely young assistant–save the world and manage to have sex every few paragraphs

Contest: The Stupidity Test
Questions such as “How many cylinders are there in a V-8 engine?” Also, the Name That Duck Contest winner was announced—winning entry: Mallard Fillmore [The “duck” in question was a Peter Bramely cartoon, which appeared on the cover of the first issue, and was intended to be NatLamp’s mascot. Not much later, it was dropped.]